November 23rd, 2019
30 YEARS OLD
"I'm 30 years old today and I'm sure I will die soon. I'm ready for death. I know I will die young. Maybe it won't be death but something different, so devastating that it will be like death. Maybe the whole global crisis, maybe a medular section, or I'll become blind and deaf in an accident. I'm not afraid. I'm ready for any of these, whenever they may come. There is so much suffering and longing in the world, and I don't suffer. There is hunger, famine, and hate, dissillusionment, boredom loneliness tedium emptiness and I am happy, I have so much love coming from so many sides, so many passions, the world shines bright for me, I have no needs, I have so many exceptional friends, so many reasons to live for, to stand up, so many things to enjoy, so many things left to do, to explore, so many ideas to try out, experiences to have, moments to share, so much joy I realized my central nervous system must be hacked, because I feel pure joy, like shots, like drugs, like MDMA, like heroin; every single day, many times a day, reading a phrase, understanding an idea, listening to a song, grasping a concept, and I just recently realized this doesn't happen to other people. I used to wonder how people could be so unhappy even when they have everything, how they couldn't get over stuff when the world is so full of wonder and beauty, but I realize now, just now, after eleven? years of medical training, that it's me that's different. It's my brain that's hacked, set to bliss. It's in my genes, and it's so much fucking dumb luck. How do you establish close contact, friendship, intimacy, with so many remarkable caring brilliant loving accepting people in such a short time when so many people scarcely have one good friend or two, lucky of being born in a family where love and concern shone through even the deepest disagreements, and so much privilege, more than enough resources but not enough to be wasteful, a handsome face goes a long way, a quick mind goes even farther, lucky to be born in the right place at the right time to give me perspective. It's unfair. So I know it will not, cannot possibly, last for fifty, forty, twenty more years. So I'm ready. It can come anytime. I'm ready. It's been incredible."
2020
31 YEARS OLD
December 31st, 2021
32 YEARS OLD
"2021 was super unusual. We still managed to have a really great year. 2020 was about breaking and I felt 2021 was about finding out how to rebuild. I'm very excited about 2022."
November 23rd, 2022
33 YEARS OLD
"One year ago, I was full of excitement for this year. I thought of it as the year of reconstruction. Looking back, I wasn't completely off. Reconstruction takes time and work, sweat and effort. But it was a ship and not a castle. The image was wrong. This year was like being at open sea during a storm. Tired and the waves won't stop coming. You stop to look out, just to be slapped by the waves again, but yes, you're closer, closer each time, you think. Are you closer? You're not farther, at least. It's been a trying year. A year of navigation and stabilization, of being off-center, of experimenting. Of recieving counsel, of recalculating course. I've shared and made so much beauty along the way. Alone and together. Some people are father away now (miss you Thea), others are closer still (you know who you are), others unmovable lighthouses. Anchors and beacons. Respite. I'm a lucky man to have these ports of rest, this crew. I would have drowned without them. Looking at the map, the destination is far away but, damn, we've come far from home port. Its been strenuous. But I'm excited to keep going. Here's to more."
November 24th, 2023
34 YEARS OLD
"I will die young, I know it. So turning thirty four feels hefty, weighted. I'm in my mid thirties, death approaches, and I'm living a transition to a transition. I could feel defeated, lost. Feel like I've wasted my time and chosen wrong paths, but I've been picking up so much on all these roads I've steered off to. All these tools and raw material I hope to shape into stardust. Life is tough. And untimely. It brings blow after blow, like a hammer. Unrelenting. The hurt of heartbreak, the pain of disappointment bends us out of shape and makes us dull and cower. But a hammer can also forge, it can steel. There's so much I want to make so much to write so much to shape and fire so much to share and leave behind so much I know I'll never finish. when I know I'll be gone so soon. But maybe just dreaming them up is enough! My heart is a furnace and I've picked up so many logs across the way. These ideas are the gusts of wind that stoke my fire. My experiences so far, my connections to others are the materials I will weld into stars. And the hammer of life will keep coming down. Relentlessly. Hit after hit at full strength. But I will keep using it to forge. That's the gift of age, of cumulative experiences, and of bonds. Burning red hot and taking the blows without fear. I won't be dulled. Even when it hurts. That's the only way to live a full life. My heart is a furnace and it is glowing bright."
*Scribble image taken from vecteezy.com
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